Many people try to control other people because they think it will help to keep them happy and mentally healthy. But actually the opposite is true.
Mental well-being depends upon a variety of experiences but control-freakery, in so far as it’s successful, limits a person’s experience only to what they already understand and can imagine. Most people find that their lives are enriched by the actions of others – even when those actions are surprising.
The more we control other people, the less we experience variety in life, the more frustrated and resentful we become when we fail and greater the risk we run of developing mental health problems.
“People generally confuse the things they can control with the things they cannot. The result is frustration and wasted effort as we invest (waste) our emotional and practical energies in futile attempts to make changes that are beyond our ability.”
In therapy sessions with my patients and clients I often encourage people to distinguish between…
The things that they can control,
The things that they can influence but not control, and
The things that interest them but that they can neither influence or control.
I describe these different categories as ‘spheres of influence’.
The basic idea is to help people to understand the difference between a problem and a fact…
Problems are things that can be solved.
Facts simply are – they cannot be changed.
One of the biggest sources of frustration and distress comes from the attempt to treat facts as though they were problems: from the attempt to ‘solve’ facts; from the attempt to do the impossible.
The past is always a fact – but so is the present and, very often, the immediate future. Some people lament the fact that the past cannot be solved, that it cannot be altered but that’s not really very helpful. If the goal is to be effective now there’s no benefit in obsessing about ‘water under the bridge’, no matter how difficult or unpleasant things might have been at the time. In the task of living we are always precisely where we are at this moment.
Accepting that, accepting the fact that the past is no longer ours to change means that we can also begin to see it as no longer our concern. It’s true that there may be issues arising from past events or mistakes that we need to deal with but any actions we need to take will be taken in the present or the future – not the past. We can learn from the past but we need never be concerned about it because it’s gone.
That brings us to the present – the only thing we ever really have to call our own. And it’s fleeting. In fact, by the time you notice the present moment it’s already gone into the past and is no longer your concern. Yes – I know that sounds a bit weird but please, give it some thought – it’s important, especially when dealing with long-term hardship. Understand the concept now and you’ll find it much easier to bear life’s misfortunes later. You’ll be much more effective as you work to change and overcome them too.
Life is a series of moments, most of which are actually pretty neutral. It’s anxiety and anticipation that spoils our days, not the enduring event because most events don’t actually endure all that long. People endure hours of misery when they don’t need to because they’re forever focussing upon either the past (which is no longer their affair) or the future (which may be theirs to plan for but is not yet theirs to experience).
Even at times of hardship the eternal now is relevant. How bad is your situation at this very instant? Why let your mind focus on experiencing hardship before it needs to? Why experience the thing you dread before it happens?
It’s far more constructive to plan for the future than to imagine it negatively and suffer all the emotional distress that such imaginings bring. Make it a habit never to allow yourself to experience misfortune in your mind before it actually happens but to plan to deal with potential future problems instead. And understand that if you expect pain – there’s no need to be distressed by it until you actually feel it. Even then stoicism advises us not to worry about pain but that’s for another post. We need to cover some more basic stuff first.
Remember ‘the eternal now’. Do you have physical comfort and freedom from abuse right now, at this precise moment? Then you have all that you could possibly need. This moment in life is a success. Use the current success to plan with a clear head how to solve the problems of the future. Don’t squander it trying to solve the past (which is a fact, not a problem). Be glad of your immediate situation. The only alternative is to cancel out all those moments of contentment and comfort with futile focus upon the past which you can never change or the future which you have not yet reached.
The life well-lived involves taking time to appreciate the good moments (which generally far outweigh the bad).
Oh, no! There’s nothing boring about Stoicism. There’s nothing boring about embracing change, about opposing injustice or about developing self reliance. There’s nothing boring about experiencing life and all it has to offer whilst still maintaining control of your emotions and judgement so you can savour the experience all the more.
Soap operas and small-talk are boring.
Trashy novels and superficial documentaries are boring.
Endless consumerism is boring.
Stoic joy and the wonder of a life well lived is far from boring.
Today we consider the very first principle of Stoicism as defined by Epictetus in his handbook, The Enchiridion. What can we control and what can’t we control?
This means understanding the difference between problems and facts.
Stoics choose not to waste energy or emotional effort on facts that they cannot change – it’s pointless. Instead they work on things they can change, control or influence. That means they work on (and worry about) surprisingly little.
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Many people think they have no control over how they feel. They think that their emotions are caused by other people and by events. But that just isn’t true. People can learn to feel OK whatever other people do. It’s all about learning to take direct control over our own emotions. That’s a skill, just like any other and just like any other skill, it can be learned.
Learning to manage emotions and learning to juggle have much in common. Both seem mysterious and difficult to master until we understand the principles involved. Both require a fair amount of practice to become ‘expert’ but equally, we can make some improvement in just a short time if we apply the right methods.
This short video will not make anyone master either of mood management or of juggling. The emotional stuff is covered in other videos. Here we look at some of the most basic points of emotional management to help set people along the road. There’s nothing particularly easy about emotional management but for most people there’s nothing impossible either. It takes time and it takes practice. Subscribe to this channel and over time we’ll cover most of the other principles of emotional management too.
As for the juggling – well that’s up to you.
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