Anxiolytic ants

As if the world of mental health care wasn’t wacky enough!

Psychiatric researchers, abandoning the comfort of the laboratory have swapped their signature white coats for Barbour jackets and wellies, their syringes and formularies for landrovers and deer-stalkers to rough it in the wilds of Devon. It’s true – the latest new fad in mental health treatment comes from the micro-fauna of South West England where a newly arrived colony of immigrant ants might just provide the cure for one of man’s oldest complaints.

Isolated Red Ant

Russian red ants actually hail from North West continental Europe. This particular colony is thought to have been started by a single queen who was buffeted across the channel from Normandy in the recent storms. But unlike the last invaders from that region, these colonisers bring only good to the locals of Britain.

It has long been understood by French and German folk healers that the Cossack ant, so called because of the temporary carapace of infant ants which resembles the distinctive Russian headgear, is fearless in combat with other insects. Courageously it manages to slay beetles and even small rodents that wander too near to its formidable nests.

Late last century, French Professors Rene Proust and Marcel Descartes began a study of these little insects and the hormones that are the source of their immense bravery. It was a project that lasted almost twenty years but the discoveries it yielded would have been worth many times that amount of work.

Save our red ants.jpg

Formally known as OTT16, the hormone which these unique ants secrete is known informally as ‘La liquer de la guerre’ or ‘war juice’. It’s similar in structure to human adrenalin but instead of provoking fear in its human hosts it has been shown in repeated laboratory tests conducted in 7 countries to inspire confidence and courage where previously there was only anxiety and fear. In its distilled form, ‘War juice’ has been licensed for the treatment of anxiety and neurosis across Europe. The World Health Organisation hailed it as a ‘miracle cure’ during their 2009 ‘state of the globe’ address with the drug finally hitting the French, German and Italian pharmaceutical markets in late 2016.

OTT16 has not been made available in UK as yet due to the ongoing Brexit negotiations. The French and German governments see the hormone as one of many bargaining chips with which to destroy the will of post-Brexit Brits and have been guarding the precious compound jealously ever since the 2016 referendum. But now we have our own colony of Cossacks with which to develop our own version of the drug.

Out in the woods near Launceston, the site of a more ancient invader castle, Dr. John Knox is leading a team of researchers, chemists and medical doctors who are nearing their goal. They have mastered the chemical messenger of courage. And so can you!

Little children, girls and boys from every corner of the commonwealth will flock to London next weekend to witness the grand launch of OTT16 to a grateful public. A single dose of OTT16  can protect sufferers from anxiety for many years before another dose becomes necessary. By this time sufferers have almost forgotten they ever had a neurosis in the first place.

Such is the power of the humble Cossack ant. Such is the bitterness with which continental Europeans view the national decision to instigate Brexit. But at least the ants will never derail our fast track to independence and reclaimed sovereignty (whatever that might mean). Instead they will help us to endure with courage whatever hardships lie in store as the nonsense of Brexit continues to wreck our economy, making Britain the laughing stock of the world.

For more on this developing story, click here.


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